daniel tosh ( @danieltosh ) Twitter Profile


daniel tosh

not a doctor


Joined on 20 March, 2009


  • 20 Tweets
  • 123 Following

as appealing as murdering your family might sound, stay home and postmate yourself a turkey sandwich! #tosh

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do you love masked-based reality shows but don't quite get nick cannon? then look no further than tonight's new #tosh!

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on tonight's new #tosh, i uncover how us a-listers are taking your money. #celebritysidehustles

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on tonight’s new #tosh, i review the state of hip-hop with the realest and reddest 12-year-old in the game.

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remember to get out there and vote today, kids. and when you’re back home, there will be a nice new #tosh ‘sode waiting for you as a reward. #democracy

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if you’re looking for something to distract you from the fact that our democracy is coming apart at the seams, perhaps i can interest you in this IT guy who dresses like a cat on tonight’s new #tosh

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if i know my audience, you’re probably hankering for a panel full of pundits to discuss the election results. well, hanker no more. new #tosh tonight!

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no new #tosh tonight. feel free to devote yourselves 100% to panic and dread.

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trick or treating is canceled so i’ll be your eye candy on tonight’s new #tosh. and if you dm me your address, i’ll personally mail you a mr. goodbar i’ve injected with horse laxatives. happy ‘ween!

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it’s the last new #tosh before the election and i’m still undecided on seat 3 of the LA community college board

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on tonight’s new #tosh i prove the human body is 70% water and 30% miscellaneous foreign objects. #whatsinyourbody

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watch tonight’s #tosh as i become the new celebrity spokesman for a dying chain of roast beef restaurants. RAX!

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lock the kids in their rooms and get to know yucca valley’s biggest, horniest pop star. pitchfork gave him a 6.9 out of 10. on tonight’s new #tosh! #popstarnima

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i pay more in taxes than most trump voters make in ten lifetimes, so my opinions count more. #CoastalEliteTweet

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just remember the electoral college was set up so low-income states can feel better about their big back yards that nobody wants to visit. #CoastalEliteTweet

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you unemployed idiots aren’t owning the libs on twitter. you’re slightly annoying the teams of assistants we pay to run our twitter accounts. #CoastalEliteTweet

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i know the evangelicals don’t care about trump’s tax returns, but are you interested in his tithing record? 10% or you don’t get into heaven! #CoastalEliteTweet

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the best part of a trump presidency is not feeling bad about cutting off financial support to all my unsuccessful christian family members. #CoastalEliteTweet

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one of the biggest reasons i want trump out is because he makes it embarrassing to admit i’m american during my extensive travels abroad. #CoastalEliteTweet

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